I discovered the other day that in Chinese families it is considered impolite to say the equivalents of please and thank you, as this is seen as distancing yourself from other members of the family, so within a family such words are apparently rarely used. Is this correct? Does it vary between families?
Although I lived in Taiwan for more than five years, I never spent much time in family homes – I shared flats/apartments with locals and people from other countries – so I didn’t see enough of normal family life to notice the lack of pleases and thank yous.
To a British person the idea of not saying please and thank you in such circumstances seems bizarre and wrong, but it is just a different way of being polite.
Are there situations where you wouldn’t use please and thank you? If so, is this because they are considered distancing, as in the Chinese case, or just unnecessary?
I think this absolutely happens in some American homes and/or relationships, including my own! In relationships where you’re accustomed to casual speech and informality, “please” can seem heavy-handed or impatient, shifting to a more formal register as a way of laying down the law or getting through to someone the speaker perceives as thick-headed or irresponsible. It becomes a word used for emphasis, rather than politeness.
“Thank you” is less loaded, but can still seem patronizing or condescending when it’s used between people who don’t normally use it.
On a similar theme it was pointed out to me that British people in Spain who speak Spanish, reveal their national origins by the constant use of “please” and “thank-you”. When this was pointed out to me my Spanish became (a bit) more authentic.
Indeed, “thank you” can pose a problem in a relationship. Sometimes one side thanks the other for things like sex or emotional support, while the other side is offended by the idea that that is something to thank for.
As a Canadian, we say please, thank you, and sorry all the time. In most situations, even at home it is very impolite not to use those words. In fact they are taught to be used by children as soon as they can communicate, often with sign language. We do tend to give ourselves away by that use of speech when abroad. I’ve also noticed this use of please and thank you within German families as well, perhaps not as early.
Heike, do you mean that hearing kids are taught to sign “thank you” before they can talk?
I’ve never heard of that, but it seems that kids are taught to say “please” and “thank you” in several Western countries. How adults talk is another matter: We know that politeness doesn’t boil down to using specific words, and some people may not think that these words are at all necessary to be polite. (Also, some people are rude.)
I am learning Basque and “Colloquial Basque” says this:
“Excessive use of expressions like please and thank you in Basque conveys the message that one is showing so much courtesy as to distance oneself socially from the person addressed. Basques often prefer to convey a sense of cameraderie by not standing on ceremony”
I am Chinese and live in Hong Kong. I believe it is not common for Chinese people to talk about their love or appreciation. My family doesn’t use “please” or ” thank you” between ourselves and we understand that we are grateful and appreciate the help, the care etc. I don’t think using “please” or ” thank you” will create a distance between us, but it is weird to hear “please” or ” thank you” in our daily communication.
Yes Lev, that’s exactly what I mean. Hearing kids are taught to sign please, thank you, more etc. Before they can talk. I think we hope that this will make it so automatic. Of course as you pointed out, some people use the words but their actions, and the tone of their voice are anything but polite.