by Tom Rowsell
UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage has announced that from now on all party literature and advertising will be translated into Old English, the language of our Anglo-Saxon forebears. "Just in case this isn't sufficient to bamboozle the Eurocrats in Brussels" Farage declared at a recent press conference, "we're also going to revert back to the good old English Runic script and of course we expect bulletins and speeches at EU parliament to be translated into this format."
The widespread use of modern English around Europe has led UKIP MP's to denounce it as un-English and yet another example of European meddling with British affairs. "The Anglo-Saxon language is still untainted by influence from French and is therefore more suitable for a British independence movement." UKIP member Godfrey Bloom argues.
The German Chancellor Angela Merkel has welcomed the announcement, saying "Old English is a Germanic language so perhaps we will see more English people learning to speak German for a change!" Farage was quick to respond at a press conference, with his thumbs in his ears and his tongue poking out he shouted in Old English, "náe weg, kraut! þú swefn bist." (No way, kraut! You must be dreaming.)
The change in language is also being celebrated by English holiday makers who have visited Wales. John Smith from Birmingham took his family caravanning in Wales last summer. "Those Welsh think they're so special with that gibberish on their road signs," he complained. "Let's see how they like it when they have to figure out which exit to take on the roundabout by deciphering the ancient runes."
When questioned on how UKIP expected to accrue the hefty funds required for such a wide scale shift in language and script, Farage revealed new plans to seek reparations from the Scandinavian countries. "When UKIP are elected in 2015 we will put pressure on Norway and Denmark to pay us reparations for the terrible war crimes committed during the Viking age," he said. "They stole a number of valuable religious artefacts and committed abuses of the so called human rights laws which the EU now enforces in such a draconian fashion." He added that the "bloody Vikings" have got loads of oil money now and that if they don't hand it over, "we'll fight them for it".
Note: This article is a spoof intended for your amusement.