by Tom Rowsell
UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage has announced that from now on all party literature and advertising will be translated into Old English, the language of our Anglo-Saxon forebears. "Just in case this isn't sufficient to bamboozle the Eurocrats in Brussels" Farage declared at a recent press conference, "we're also going to revert back to the good old English Runic script and of course we expect bulletins and speeches at EU parliament to be translated into this format."
The widespread use of modern English around Europe has led UKIP MP's to denounce it as un-English and yet another example of European meddling with British affairs. "The Anglo-Saxon language is still untainted by influence from French and is therefore more suitable for a British independence movement." UKIP member Godfrey Bloom argues.
The German Chancellor Angela Merkel has welcomed the announcement, saying "Old English is a Germanic language so perhaps we will see more English people learning to speak German for a change!" Farage was quick to respond at a press conference, with his thumbs in his ears and his tongue poking out he shouted in Old English, "náe weg, kraut! þú swefn bist." (No way, kraut! You must be dreaming.)
The change in language is also being celebrated by English holiday makers who have visited Wales. John Smith from Birmingham took his family caravanning in Wales last summer. "Those Welsh think they're so special with that gibberish on their road signs," he complained. "Let's see how they like it when they have to figure out which exit to take on the roundabout by deciphering the ancient runes."
When questioned on how UKIP expected to accrue the hefty funds required for such a wide scale shift in language and script, Farage revealed new plans to seek reparations from the Scandinavian countries. "When UKIP are elected in 2015 we will put pressure on Norway and Denmark to pay us reparations for the terrible war crimes committed during the Viking age," he said. "They stole a number of valuable religious artefacts and committed abuses of the so called human rights laws which the EU now enforces in such a draconian fashion." He added that the "bloody Vikings" have got loads of oil money now and that if they don't hand it over, "we'll fight them for it".
Note: This article is a spoof intended for your amusement.
Here's a version of the article in Anglo-Saxon Runes
ᛒᚤ ᛏᚪᛗ ᚱᚪᚹᛋᛖᛚᛚ
ᚢᛣ ᛁᚾᛞᛖᛈᛖᚾᛞᛖᚾᚷᛖ ᛈᚠᚱᛏᚤ (ᚢᛣᛁᛈ) ᛚᛖᚠᛞᛖᚱ ᚾᛁᛤᛖᛚ ᚠᚠᚱᚠᛤᛖ ᚻᚠᛋ ᚠᚾᚾᚪᚢᚾᚷᛖᛞ ᚦᚠᛏ ᚠᚱᚪᛗ ᚾᚪᚹ ᚪᚾ ᚠᛚᛚ ᛈᚠᚱᛏᚤ ᛚᛁᛏᛖᚱᚠᛏᚢᚱᛖ ᚠᚾᛞ ᚠᛞᚹᛖᚱᛏᛁᛋᛁᛝ ᚹᛁᛚᛚ ᛒᛖ ᛏᚱᚠᚾᛋᛚᚠᛏᛖᛞ ᛁᚾᛏᚪ ᚪᛚᛞ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ, ᚦᛖ ᛚᚠᛝᚢᚠᛤᛖ ᚪᚠ ᚪᚢᚱ ᚠᛝᛚᚪ-ᛋᚠᛉᚪᚾ ᚠᚪᚱᛖᛒᛖᚠᚱᛋ. "ᛄᚢᛋᛏ ᛁᚾ ᚷᚠᛋᛖ ᚦᛁᛋ ᛁᛋᚾ'ᛏ ᛋᚢᚠᚠᛁᚷᛁᛖᚾᛏ ᛏᚪ ᛒᚠᛗᛒᚪᚪᛋᛚᛖ ᚦᛖ ᛖᚢᚱᚪᚷᚱᚠᛏᛋ ᛁᚾ ᛒᚱᚢᛋᛋᛖᛚᛋ" ᚠᚠᚱᚠᛤᛖ ᛞᛖᚷᛚᚠᚱᛖᛞ ᚠᛏ ᚠ ᚱᛖᚷᛖᚾᛏ ᛈᚱᛖᛋᛋ ᚷᚪᚾᚠᛖᚱᛖᚾᚷᛖ, "ᚹᛖ'ᚱᛖ ᚠᛚᛋᚪ ᛤᚪᛁᛝ ᛏᚪ ᚱᛖᚹᛖᚱᛏ ᛒᚠᚷᛣ ᛏᚪ ᚦᛖ ᛤᚪᚪᛞ ᚪᛚᛞ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ ᚱᚢᚾᛁᚷ ᛋᚷᚱᛁᛈᛏ ᚠᚾᛞ ᚪᚠ ᚷᚪᚢᚱᛋᛖ ᚹᛖ ᛖᛉᛈᛖᚷᛏ ᛒᚢᛚᛚᛖᛏᛁᚾᛋ ᚠᚾᛞ ᛋᛈᛖᛖᚷᚻᛖᛋ ᚠᛏ ᛖᚢ ᛈᚠᚱᛚᛁᚠᛗᛖᚾᛏ ᛏᚪ ᛒᛖ ᛏᚱᚠᚾᛋᛚᚠᛏᛖᛞ ᛁᚾᛏᚪ ᚦᛁᛋ ᚠᚪᚱᛗᚠᛏ."
ᚦᛖ ᚹᛁᛞᛖᛋᛈᚱᛖᚠᛞ ᚢᛋᛖ ᚪᚠ ᛗᚪᛞᛖᚱᚾ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ ᚠᚱᚪᚢᚾᛞ ᛖᚢᚱᚪᛈᛖ ᚻᚠᛋ ᛚᛖᛞ ᚢᛣᛁᛈ ᛗᛈ'ᛋ ᛏᚪ ᛞᛖᚾᚪᚢᚾᚷᛖ ᛁᛏ ᚠᛋ ᚢᚾ-ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ ᚠᚾᛞ ᚤᛖᛏ ᚠᚾᚪᚦᛖᚱ ᛖᛉᚠᛗᛈᛚᛖ ᚪᚠ ᛖᚢᚱᚪᛈᛖᚠᚾ ᛗᛖᛞᛞᛚᛁᛝ ᚹᛁᚦ ᛒᚱᛁᛏᛁᛋᚻ ᚠᚠᚠᚠᛁᚱᛋ. "ᚦᛖ ᚠᛝᛚᚪ-ᛋᚠᛉᚪᚾ ᛚᚠᛝᚢᚠᛤᛖ ᛁᛋ ᛋᛏᛁᛚᛚ ᚢᚾᛏᚠᛁᚾᛏᛖᛞ ᛒᚤ ᛁᚾᚠᛚᚢᛖᚾᚷᛖ ᚠᚱᚪᛗ ᚠᚱᛖᚾᚷᚻ ᚠᚾᛞ ᛁᛋ ᚦᛖᚱᛖᚠᚪᚱᛖ ᛗᚪᚱᛖ ᛋᚢᛁᛏᚠᛒᛚᛖ ᚠᚪᚱ ᚠ ᛒᚱᛁᛏᛁᛋᚻ ᛁᚾᛞᛖᛈᛖᚾᛞᛖᚾᚷᛖ ᛗᚪᚹᛖᛗᛖᚾᛏ." ᚢᛣᛁᛈ ᛗᛖᛗᛒᛖᚱ ᛤᚪᛞᚠᚱᛖᚤ ᛒᛚᚪᚪᛗ ᚠᚱᛤᚢᛖᛋ.
ᚦᛖ ᛤᛖᚱᛗᚠᚾ ᚷᚻᚠᚾᚷᛖᛚᛚᚪᚱ ᚠᛝᛖᛚᚠ ᛗᛖᚱᛣᛖᛚ ᚻᚠᛋ ᚹᛖᛚᚷᚪᛗᛖᛞ ᚦᛖ ᚠᚾᚾᚪᚢᚾᚷᛖᛗᛖᚾᛏ, ᛋᚠᚤᛁᛝ "ᚪᛚᛞ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ ᛁᛋ ᚠ ᛤᛖᚱᛗᚠᚾᛁᚷ ᛚᚠᛝᚢᚠᛤᛖ ᛋᚪ ᛈᛖᚱᚻᚠᛈᛋ ᚹᛖ ᚹᛁᛚᛚ ᛋᛖᛖ ᛗᚪᚱᛖ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ ᛈᛖᚪᛈᛚᛖ ᛚᛖᚠᚱᚾᛁᛝ ᛏᚪ ᛋᛈᛖᚠᛣ ᛤᛖᚱᛗᚠᚾ ᚠᚪᚱ ᚠ ᚷᚻᚠᛝᛖ!" ᚠᚠᚱᚠᛤᛖ ᚹᚠᛋ ᛢᚢᛁᚷᛣ ᛏᚪ ᚱᛖᛋᛈᚪᚾᛞ ᚠᛏ ᚠ ᛈᚱᛖᛋᛋ ᚷᚪᚾᚠᛖᚱᛖᚾᚷᛖ, ᚹᛁᚦ ᚻᛁᛋ ᚦᚢᛗᛒᛋ ᛁᚾ ᚻᛁᛋ ᛖᚠᚱᛋ ᚠᚾᛞ ᚻᛁᛋ ᛏᚪᛝᚢᛖ ᛈᚪᛣᛁᛝ ᚪᚢᛏ ᚻᛖ ᛋᚻᚪᚢᛏᛖᛞ ᛁᚾ ᚪᛚᛞ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ, "ᛀᚫ ᚹᛖᛤ ᛣᚱᚠᚢᛏ! ᚦᚢ ᛋᚹᛖᚠᛀ ᛒᛁᛋᛏ" (ᚾᚪ ᚹᚠᚤ, ᛣᚱᚠᚢᛏ! ᚤᚪᚢ ᛗᚢᛋᛏ ᛒᛖ ᛞᚱᛖᚠᛗᛁᛝ.)
ᚦᛖ ᚷᚻᚠᛝᛖ ᛁᚾ ᛚᚠᛝᚢᚠᛤᛖ ᛁᛋ ᚠᛚᛋᚪ ᛒᛖᛁᛝ ᚷᛖᛚᛖᛒᚱᚠᛏᛖᛞ ᛒᚤ ᛖᛝᛚᛁᛋᚻ ᚻᚪᛚᛁᛞᚠᚤ ᛗᚠᛣᛖᚱᛋ ᚹᚻᚪ ᚻᚠᚹᛖ ᚹᛁᛋᛁᛏᛖᛞ ᚹᚠᛚᛖᛋ. ᛄᚪᚻᚾ ᛋᛗᛁᚦ ᚠᚱᚪᛗ ᛒᛁᚱᛗᛁᛝᚻᚠᛗ ᛏᚪᚪᛣ ᚻᛁᛋ ᚠᚠᛗᛁᛚᚤ ᚷᚠᚱᚠᚹᚠᚾᚾᛁᛝ ᛁᚾ ᚹᚠᛚᛖᛋ ᛚᚠᛋᛏ ᛋᚢᛗᛗᛖᚱ. "ᚦᚪᛋᛖ ᚹᛖᛚᛋᚻ ᚦᛁᚾᛣ ᚦᛖᚤ'ᚱᛖ ᛋᚪ ᛋᛈᛖᚷᛁᚠᛚ ᚹᛁᚦ ᚦᚠᛏ ᛤᛁᛒᛒᛖᚱᛁᛋᚻ ᚪᚾ ᚦᛖᛁᚱ ᚱᚪᚠᛞ ᛋᛁᛤᚾᛋ," ᚻᛖ ᚷᚪᛗᛈᛚᚠᛁᚾᛖᛞ. "ᛚᛖᛏ'ᛋ ᛋᛖᛖ ᚻᚪᚹ ᚦᛖᚤ ᛚᛁᛣᛖ ᛁᛏ ᚹᚻᛖᚾ ᚦᛖᚤ ᚻᚠᚹᛖ ᛏᚪ ᚠᛁᛤᚢᚱᛖ ᚪᚢᛏ ᚹᚻᛁᚷᚻ ᛖᛉᛁᛏ ᛏᚪ ᛏᚠᛣᛖ ᚪᚾ ᚦᛖ ᚱᚪᚢᚾᛞᚠᛒᚪᚢᛏ ᛒᚤ ᛞᛖᚷᛁᛈᚻᛖᚱᛁᛝ ᚦᛖ ᚠᚾᚷᛁᛖᚾᛏ ᚱᚢᚾᛖᛋ."
ᚹᚻᛖᚾ ᛢᚢᛖᛋᛏᛁᚪᚾᛖᛞ ᚪᚾ ᚻᚪᚹ ᚢᛣᛁᛈ ᛖᛉᛈᛖᚷᛏᛖᛞ ᛏᚪ ᚠᚷᚷᚱᚢᛖ ᚦᛖ ᚻᛖᚠᛏᚤ ᚠᚢᚾᛞᛋ ᚱᛖᛢᚢᛁᚱᛖᛞ ᚠᚪᚱ ᛋᚢᚷᚻ ᚠ ᚹᛁᛞᛖ ᛋᚷᚠᛚᛖ ᛋᚻᛁᚠᛏ ᛁᚾ ᛚᚠᛝᚢᚠᛤᛖ ᚠᚾᛞ ᛋᚷᚱᛁᛈᛏ, ᚠᚠᚱᚠᛤᛖ ᚱᛖᚹᛖᚠᛚᛖᛞ ᚾᛖᚹ ᛈᛚᚠᚾᛋ ᛏᚪ ᛋᛖᛖᛣ ᚱᛖᛈᚠᚱᚠᛏᛁᚪᚾᛋ ᚠᚱᚪᛗ ᚦᛖ ᛋᚷᚠᚾᛞᛁᚾᚠᚹᛁᚠᚾ ᚷᚪᚢᚾᛏᚱᛁᛖᛋ. "ᚹᚻᛖᚾ ᚢᛣᛁᛈ ᚠᚱᛖ ᛖᛚᛖᚷᛏᛖᛞ ᛁᚾ 2015 ᚹᛖ ᚹᛁᛚᛚ ᛈᚢᛏ ᛈᚱᛖᛋᛋᚢᚱᛖ ᚪᚾ ᚾᚪᚱᚹᚠᚤ ᚠᚾᛞ ᛞᛖᚾᛗᚠᚱᛣ ᛏᚪ ᛈᚠᚤ ᚢᛋ ᚱᛖᛈᚠᚱᚠᛏᛁᚪᚾᛋ ᚠᚪᚱ ᚦᛖ ᛏᛖᚱᚱᛁᛒᛚᛖ ᚹᚠᚱ ᚷᚱᛁᛗᛖᛋ ᚷᚪᛗᛗᛁᛏᛏᛖᛞ ᛞᚢᚱᛁᛝ ᚦᛖ ᚹᛁᛣᛁᛝ ᚠᛤᛖ," ᚻᛖ ᛋᚠᛁᛞ. "ᚦᛖᚤ ᛋᛏᚪᛚᛖ ᚠ ᚾᚢᛗᛒᛖᚱ ᚪᚠ ᚹᚠᛚᚢᚠᛒᛚᛖ ᚱᛖᛚᛁᛤᛁᚪᚢᛋ ᚠᚱᛏᛖᚠᚠᚷᛏᛋ ᚠᚾᛞ ᚷᚪᛗᛗᛁᛏᛏᛖᛞ ᚠᛒᚢᛋᛖᛋ ᚪᚠ ᚦᛖ ᛋᚪ ᚷᚠᛚᛚᛖᛞ ᚻᚢᛗᚠᚾ ᚱᛁᛤᚻᛏᛋ ᛚᚠᚹᛋ ᚹᚻᛁᚷᚻ ᚦᛖ ᛖᚢ ᚾᚪᚹ ᛖᚾᚠᚪᚱᚷᛖᛋ ᛁᚾ ᛋᚢᚷᚻ ᚠ ᛞᚱᚠᚷᚪᚾᛁᚠᚾ ᚠᚠᛋᚻᛁᚪᚾ." ᚻᛖ ᚠᛞᛞᛖᛞ ᚦᚠᛏ ᚦᛖ "ᛒᛚᚪᚪᛞᚤ ᚹᛁᛣᛁᛝᛋ" ᚻᚠᚹᛖ ᛤᚪᛏ ᛚᚪᚠᛞᛋ ᚪᚠ ᚪᛁᛚ ᛗᚪᚾᛖᚤ ᚾᚪᚹ ᚠᚾᛞ ᚦᚠᛏ ᛁᚠ ᚦᛖᚤ ᛞᚪᚾ'ᛏ ᚻᚠᚾᛞ ᛁᛏ ᚪᚹᛖᚱ, "ᚹᛖ'ᛚᛚ ᚠᛁᛤᚻᛏ ᚦᛖᛗ ᚠᚪᚱ ᛁᛏ".
ᚾᚪᛏᛖ: ᚦᛁᛋ ᚠᚱᛏᛁᚷᛚᛖ ᛁᛋ ᚠ ᛋᛈᚪᚪᚠ ᛁᚾᛏᛖᚾᛞᛖᛞ ᚠᚪᚱ ᚤᚪᚢᚱ ᚠᛗᚢᛋᛖᛗᛖᚾᛏ.